April 2004
12 posts
1 tag
Translators Do it Better
Because they’ve got two tongues
I’ve come to realize that three years of high school Spanish does not count for much. Although the brightly illustrated vocabulary lists of my youth have helped me out in a few situations, such as waitressing in the summer, etc. I now know that shouting “pan, pan, la cesta de pan” will not exactly help me express my...
1 tag
Pussy for Free
No More Paul, Once and For All:
So about a week ago I was asked on a date. A real date with a real boy. Let’s call him “Paul.” Paul and met some time ago at a party. Spit was swapped, as were numbers. Paul seemed like a pretty functional kid with no homicidal tendencies. I thought I’d give it a whirl. For awhile, “Paul” appeared to be pursuing...
1 tag
I Miss You the Most at Night
but that’s okay because it’s cocktail hour
Thoughts of the Day:
Remember “opposite day” from way back in elementary school? It wasn’t so much of a day as an idiotic kid-type game in which everything was, well, the “opposite” of what it normally should be. For example, if I told you to “fuck off” on opposite day,...
1 tag
I Pass on the Grass
Because Tony just wouldn’t approve
Last night I dreamed that I was Tony Soprano’s mistress. Although this might have been brought about by the recent marathon showing of the fourth season that the girls and I participated in, I like to think that it foretells my bright future in the mob (which, of course, doesn’t really exist). Get me to New Jersey,...
1 tag
A Brief List of All Things Material That Matter
AKA How to Have a Quarter-Life Crisis and Not Feel Bloated
1) Brand new hot-pink high heels. On my feet. With cuffed Jeans.
2) Crest White Strips. Now I can smoke my post-breakup lungs out and not feel guilty. All the addiction, none of the symptoms.
3) Airbrush tanning. All the glow, none of the cancer.
4) H&M. Three words: I-Love-You. I...
1 tag
Top Nine Reasons Why I am Not Cleaning Up
and writing this entry in a sketchy old-man bathrobe
1) I took a shower, making me absolutely sparkling. How could you ask for anything more?
2) I waxed my entire body. Holy. Mother. Of. God.
3) The Parents aren’t coming to visit for at least another two hours.
4) All of my clothes are dirty and lying in a pile at my feet
5) Dishes, empty...
1 tag
Out like a Boner in Sweat Pants
I hate it when people explain things away with “spring has sprung”. Just where did we get that little expression? Please, let me know.
Example:
Me - My boyfriend and I broke up Monday night. I’ve been pretty upset, but I’m feeling better now.
People - Well, spring has sprung!
What does that mean? That I shouldn’t worry? That I...
1 tag
Time for a Family Meeting
Kids, sit down, we need to talk. Daddy is moving out and mommy is keeping the weblog and the minivan. Don’t worry, it’s not your fault. We still love you.
In other words, I am a single woman for the first time in years. Yes, The Boyfriend and I have decided to call it quits for the moment. There’s not much else to say, as I am not a fan of airing my...
1 tag
Five Simple Rules To Live By
Yes, I’m turning into my mother
1) Wash your hands after you go to the bathroom. Even if it’s “just pee”. If you’re not already doing this, mama didn’t raise you right. Period. No arguing. I’m sick of hearing you leave the bathroom stall and walk straight out the door. It’s people like you that have made me the O.C.D....
1 tag
Nothing Compares to You (Easter Candy)
My parents sent me an Easter basket containing:
1 dark chocolate bunny (ears have since been removed and consumed)
3,000,000 jelly beans (currently rolling about my room after an unfortunate spill)
1,000,000 small chocolate eggs (currently rolling about my stomach after a very fortunate encounter)
1 ceramic yellow egg mug complete with a bunny handle...
1 tag
Things That are Bothering Me
1) The amount of Marshmallow Peeps I have consumed in the last forty eight hours. All of that sugary goodness cannot be good for one girl. Also, the company that makes them is called “Just Born”. Does that strike you as odd? I can hear the silent screams of each infantile marshmallow chick I just swallowed. Mmm, Just Born…
2) The utter lack of men...
1 tag
A Brief List of Things that Scare Me Shitless
Clowns
Mimes
Mickey Rooney
The sound of the coffee grinder while I’m still half asleep
Team sports
Golden showers
People staring at me whilst I engage in a peaceful slumber
Bounced cheques
Dying biter and alone
Celibacy
Large hairy mammals
Hairless cats
The word “moist”
Hidden cameras
The Atkins diet
Tapered pants
...