January 2011
18 posts
2 tags
Ways We Passed the Time, 1987-1997
Your parents had a small collection of antique coffee grinders and we would sit on your back porch and grind handfuls of frozen beans, occasionally feeding them to the cat. Later that summer, your younger brother trimmed its whiskers off. You tried to convince me that the cat poop in the sandbox behind your house was actually a collection of Tootsie Rolls. We sat in a red cement tube on the...
Jan 29th
3 notes
4 tags
Bonnie and Clyde 2.0
Jacob: I have no emotions. Just emoticons.
Me:
Me: u complete me.
Jacob: I autocomplete you.
Jan 29th
2 tags
The Locus Of Control
A wise man recently informed me that adulthood is “merely recognizing the minimum of practicality and pragmatism.” I used to think that once I hit a certain mark on the developmental timeline of life things would change. Insurance, bedtimes, liquor consumption. But now I realize that for so long, the adults around me were all in on it. Going about their lives, failing and succeeding,...
Jan 27th
5 notes
3 tags
“She rubbed his leg gently with her foot. “Are you trying to make me cry?” He...”
– Lorrie Moore, “The Jewish Hunter”  
Jan 24th
21 notes
3 tags
Kombucha Explosion is My New Band Name
Me: kombucha explosion at my desk. My unitard smells like vinegar.
Whitney: you are a hipster Cathy comic.
Jan 21st
7 notes
“You get up early in the morning and you work all day. That’s the only secret.”
– Philip Glass
Jan 21st
136 notes
4 tags
Jan 20th
4 notes
2 tags
Things Are Looking Up Around Here
I was just referred to as a “boxcutter” by my roommate, thus providing me with both a brand new insult and compliment for 2011.
Jan 19th
3 tags
“The Cardigans: baby blue nail polish, Tamagotchi bans, buying deodorant for the...”
– bubblebathos Thank you for this time capsule. Really, all of these are spot-on. But this? This is the Hard Candy jelly ring around the neck of my bottle of Trailer Trash (Seventeen said it was Dennis Rodman’s favorite). 1997 was a good year.
Jan 14th
59 notes
1 tag
Jan 13th
2,025 notes
2 tags
Constant Craving
Whitney: k.d. lang and Katy Perry have the same manager.
Me: Is that the girl that she kissed? Didn't she like it?
Whitney: You are not funny.
Jan 12th
1 note
2 tags
“When everyone has easy access to their favorite diversions and every diversion...”
– Patton Oswalt (in Wired)
Jan 12th
5 notes
2 tags
“You can bribe yourself. I call it ‘toothpaste-tube writing,’ which...”
– Ianthe Brautigan
Jan 10th
1 note
4 tags
Gonna Have Some Fun, Show You How It's Done
Jacob: So tonight I think I'm chilling. No plans.
Me: I should start doing Full House screencaps.
Jacob: gif, TGIF.
Me: TGIgif is what it's gonna be when I come over at 8 drunk on sake to screencap Full House on your Golden Girls futon.
Jan 8th
1 note
2 tags
Jan 6th
4 tags
AND I DONT BUST BACK BECAUSE I SHOOT FIRST
This is why she’s my best friend. Gchat: Boy: what are u getting at? BFF: it isn’t possible for me to be more explicit.  do as you like. Boy: I’m calling u BFF: I cannot talk. Boy: I am the same person now that i was three months ago BFF: ok Boy: pick up BFF: I won’t pause Lil Wayne for you Dispatch from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Vikings.
Jan 6th
4 notes
2 tags
Jan 4th
29 notes
4 tags
Jan 3rd
3 notes