A search for “Man About the Internet” yields 1,870,000 results. “Woman About the Internet” yields only 2. What does this mean other than I should adopt that slogan for myself but I don’t want to creep Tyler Coates out?
Pandora thinks I am based in Minneapolis. All of my targeted ads advise me to buy engagement rings at the “Twin Cities finest diamond dealer” (the Shane Company, in case you were curious) and sign up for “daily Minnesota deals.” I’m not sure how this mix up happened, unless Pandora has firmly cemented itself as a third party in my relationship and is aware of my boyfriend’s city of origin. Perhaps my mother is correct and Google is reading my mind. The next thing you know, Wi-Fi will be pronounced “wiffy” and I’ll be lint rolling the dog.
I receive more mail from J. Crew on a daily basis than I do from my mother. I haven’t shopped at J. Crew in over a year. You’d think they’d get the message or at least assume I’d moved to Minneapolis. Free shipping on an order of $150 or more will not lure me back, J. Crew. Make me dinner. Bring home some peonies. Write me a card. Send me a complimentary cardigan.
I own four cardigans from BP* in different colors. Brown, teal, navy and gray. No one seems to notice. If left to my own devices with no moderating force I may show up at work one day in torn leggings covered in lint, a see-through tank top with bleach stains and the “fancy” gold flip flops I often wear to the grocery store. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly expecting a different result. These cardigans, they are crazy. And no, that’s not a metaphor for anything else in my life. Stop looking at me like that. Help me with these buttons.
*Yes, I still shop at BP in spite of understanding how age groups and juniors sizing works. Although I’m not sure what the cut off will be, it’ll come in either age or pounds. Hopefully the former.
