Nice try, Facebook, but my “list of Valentine’s Day treats for Jacob” already include:
- Aplets and Cotlets.
- A felted heart made from the hair I’ve collected from our bathroom floor over the past two years.
- A surprise pregnancy.
- A series of Edible Arrangements composed entirely out of gum, Werther’s Originals, and cigarette butts.
- A sack of pennies.
Disclaimer: All of the above are false as I am the best at Valentine’s Day and will never reveal my secrets. At least until tonight.