Nice try, Facebook, but my “list of Valentine’s Day treats for Jacob” already include: 

  1. Aplets and Cotlets. 
  2. A felted heart made from the hair I’ve collected from our bathroom floor over the past two years. 
  3. A surprise pregnancy.
  4. A series of Edible Arrangements composed entirely out of gum, Werther’s Originals, and cigarette butts. 
  5. A sack of pennies.  

Disclaimer: All of the above are false as I am the best at Valentine’s Day and will never reveal my secrets. At least until tonight.