Desperately Seeking Mr. Kennedy

I have come to the conclusion that the only thing worse than sleeping with your ex-boyfriend is sleeping with my Ex-Boyfriend (man-child formerly known as The Boyfriend). Yes, the Misplaced Passion Phase (MPP) officially fell hard upon me last week and I have returned from the abyss to relay valuable knowledge to the unwed masses:

Lesson One
“Casual sex” is never casual when you’re hopping into bed with your previous long-time companion. It is never a good idea. Period. Regardless, both you and I know that it will inevitably happen. We are creatures of habit and love to sniff where we’ve previously marked our territory. This is dangerous behavior if you stop to recall that this territory is no longer yours. However, if you insist on hitting repeat on the horizontal tango soundtrack, it is best not to think of the past. Ever.

Lesson Two
Even if you fool yourself into thinking that ex-sex is casual, it will only stay that way if neither of you begin a steady courtship with another young hipster. This lesson, however, does have a clause. If you are the first to begin seeing someone else, the sex may remain causal, due to the fact that you are not on the receiving end of the jealous rage bit. Keep in mind that your ex may be a bit put off by this new person while you’ll be excited to double-team it for awhile.

Lesson Three
Alcohol works as Ex-Lax for those who are prone to verbal diarrhea. While attempting to play it casual, don’t become more intoxicated than your playmate. This will only result in your passive aggressive and not-so passive aggressive attempts at expressing your inner most feelings for the other person and your half-baked theories on dating in the modern world.

The moral of the story is that there is no moral. As of next Thursday I am embarking on a five week journey to the left coast and will be leaving behind six years worth of sexual dysfunction. Upon my return, anything goes. I’m not about to construct a conclusion to a story that seems to have no end.

I am off to find Monsieur Right or Monsieur Right Now, whichever comes first. Cheers.