Fucked Me Right Up - Sean Hayes
Things that happened today:
- I was referred to as a “humorless Cathy comic.”
- I farted and coughed so loud simultaneously at my desk that I am still unsure if the cough was louder than the fart or vice versa.
- I finished that course of antibiotics I’ve been on to treat a mean case of pneumonia.
- I fantasized about packing all of my things and moving back to my old neighborhood, to a 600 square foot studio apartment above a cupcake shop. The price is astronomical, but I would live a simple, minimalist existence during the day and steal frosting at night. Dogs allowed.
Things that are happening right now:
- My roommate/ex-boyfriend is unironically listening to the Bare Naked Ladies.
So allow me to present this song: for when the day needs to be done and you might have a few tears left to shake out.
American Peril
I am wearing a unitard as I type this.
I told myself I purchased it as a “layering piece” but let’s be honest, I love the feeling of hiking my leggings up to my bra and it was only time before suspenders got added into the mix. So here I sit. Straps and all. Unable to pee without completely removing my cardigan and belt. A poorly reimagined Steve Urkel.
At least his pants were functional.
The words “adult onesie” come to mind.
While I fully admit that the passions of teen lust (or worse, love) really know no bounds, I may force my future children to wear unitards underneath all of their clothing come puberty. Perhaps the thought of removing an entire layer of lycra from one’s skin before participating in illicit activities would outweigh the lure of being showcased on Teen Mom?
We’re not lazy people, my kin, just prone to boughts of extreme fatigue.
Kombucha Explosion is My New Band Name
- Me: kombucha explosion at my desk. My unitard smells like vinegar.
- Whitney: you are a hipster Cathy comic.
Self-esteem boost of the day: the “the original and most widely used gastric band hypnotherapy system in the UK” is now following me on Twitter.
Just had my dreams dashed when I realized that the loafers on the back of the L.L. Bean catalog delivered today for the couple that used to live here are actually Hearthside Slippers. This proves my suspicion that I’ve been wearing ballet flats for way too long.
Still, free shipping with no minimum order, you know?
In the background is what I wear almost every day, except the shirt is gray. Always a different gray shirt. In the front is what I think and dream about at night as I fall asleep, shivering fitfully.
This is a metaphor for something.
Reblogged from youdonthavethis with 12 notes / Permalink /
