My goals are simple: I want true love, a dog, a baby, and to write a book that’s featured on a table at Urban Outfitters during the holidays.

And these nails, obviously.

(Source: bon-bun)

Beyoncé may or may not be in labor. Either way, it’s always best to have some Beyoncé-oriented birthing puns at hand for when the time comes. Allow Lauren, Mary and I to help you.

Finally! I’ve been waiting for years. Decades, even.

From The Archives: I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant

In which I wish I still had cable television and am amazed that this show is currently in its 85th season.

TLC: The (scare the) Living (daylights out of you) Channel

I am currently watching episodes of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, alternately titled Welcome to the Terrordome: Your Remaining Years of Fertility.

Did you have sex? You could be pregnant.

Life of celibacy? You could be pregnant.

Gain weight? Stay the same? Pregnant. Super pregnant.

Basically, if you take in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide or simply exist on this planet, you will get pregnant, not know it, and then give birth to your baby:

1. on tour with your band*
2. on a train
3. in a bathroom (into the toilet)

Added to the list of Things I Occasionally Imagine Against my Will: I will one day become pregnant with the second coming of the messiah and wind up giving birth on tour with my imaginary band in a train bathroom. Hopefully my band will be called Grilled Cheese Panini.

* In one episode the lead singer of Ham Sandwich is interviewed, explaining how shocking it was she got pregnant seeing she was on no birth control and toured with her band mate boyfriend. Shocking! Also, TLC kept mentioning how skinny she was. In pounds. As in, “the slender singer of Ham Sandwich, weighing in at a mere 100 pounds, had no idea she was pregnant.” Isn’t it a bit cruel to be so very tiny and call your band Ham Sandwich?

Originally here. 

Astronomers Discover Planet Made of Diamond

Women everywhere who are “not really that into planets anyway” and “just want to take it slow” claim the planet was “first launched by De Beers in 1947 as a marketing ploy,” “have seen way cooler planets,” and happen to have a folder full of them on their desktop if you’d like to “just take a look.”

(article via Slog)

I may or may not have just badgered the Woodland Park Zoo into sending me photos of otters on Twitter. That is a pun about badgers. You can laugh.

While I do agree that gender reveal parties are completely terrifying (gender is a construct! Why must we continue to put such an emphasis on gendernormativity? Can you tell I went to Smith College?), the concept of the sex of one’s child being announced via pastry is really as good as any.

Perhaps when I breed I’ll bake something purple and then be all, “oh my God, you guys, just kidding!” Because really, no one wants to give birth to Grimace.

Hi, I am in love with this.

(Source: julieklausner)

Episode 2 of Lady Talk, in which I am joined by my married friends Mona & Lauren. Featuring appearances by an actual human infant.

Covered: Glamor Shots, the wisdom of Beyonce, babies, bodies, and more.

In which adulthood occasionally means drawing eyeliner mustaches on the babies of your friends.